OP/ED: Oh, for the love of dog!
By Christine Esovoloff
For as long as I can remember, I have been an animal lover. Not just a lover, more like a die-hard animal groupie, or stalker, even. I was that kid who cried tears of joy whenever she saw horses, or was forever trying to nurse injured squirrels and frogs back to health. And I also may have been the kid (25-year-old) who spent hours trying to catch a stray cat (okay fine, it wasn’t a stray, it had a collar … I just really wanted to pet it).
Yes, I have always been an animal enthusiast; whether they are big or small, I love ‘em all (except for mice – gross!). From my infatuation with great white sharks to my interest in insects and, of course, my adoration of anything with fur (except for mice – gross!), my love for animals knows no bounds (except for mice -gross!). There is one furry creature, however, that has always been at the top of the list for me … dogs. I ADORE dogs. I think they are brilliant, wonderful creatures from which we could all learn a lot. In fact, I think they are so awesome that I base my first opinions of people upon whether they are a fan of Fido.
For example, if you are a dog lover, I automatically like you. Even if the only thing I know about you is that you enjoy canine company, I like you. You could be some crusty old man who yells at small children and hates flowers, but if you dig dogs – you’re alright in my books. I mean, I’m not saying that me and this crusty old flower-hating man are going to become BFFs or anything, I’m just saying he’s made it past my initial screening stage. Because, despite all of his crustiness, if he loves dogs, it means that he has a big gushy soft side.
Now, on the flip side of that, you could be Mother-freaking-Teresa and do wonderful stuff all over the world but if you don’t like tail-waggers , I am definitely NOT sure about you. I’ll still sit and have coffee with you and chat it up, but I am always going to be secretly wondering what the hell is wrong with you. And our relationship will only go so far. After all, relationships are built on trust, and I cannot fully trust someone who doesn’t love Rover and Spot.
Oh, before you go getting your panties in a bunch, let me clarify – if you have had a negative dog experience such as a dog bite, or if you are allergic, then this does not apply to you. I’m talking about those people who, for no reason at all, just don’t like dogs.
Like, what the hell is with that?! How can anyone not be totally in love with them?!
Here’s how I see it, dogs are pure love, wrapped in fur, with waggy tails and wet noses … and if you don’t like love, there is something wrong with you. No offense. But seriously, there is something a little off. Get some therapy.
You may be thinking, Well, last time I checked Christine, love didn’t chew my favorite shoes! orLove doesn’t shed, drool, pee on my floor, and do that weird bum-dragging thing, Christine!
Well, newsflash peeps, I hate to break it to you, but that’s exactly what love does. But I’ll tell you what else it does: love will snuggle you when you are sick, protect you with everything it’s got, be loyal to you even when you least deserve it, and perform embarrassing tricks just for your pathetic entertainment. Love is ALWAYS happy to see you when you get home and love NEVER holds a grudge, even if you have been a big jerk, or given them a haircut like an 80-year old lady, or even had their dangly bits removed without warning. How’s that for unconditional?!
You’re feeling bad now for automatically thinking of their negative qualities first, aren’t you? Well, not to worry, ‘love’ is very forgiving (see above) so you can redeem yourself. (I suggest using little pieces of bacon.)
Now I know that this rule isn’t the be-all-and-end-all, and I’m sure that there are plenty of jack-asses out there who love dogs (for all I know, Jeffrey Dahmer had a dog), I’m just saying it’s a good starting point. I mean, dogs seem to know what’s going on – all they have to do is smell someone’s butt for a few seconds and they automatically know if the individual (four-legged or otherwise) is trustworthy, and if they would like to spend any more time with them or not. If only it were that easy for us! But, since I can’t exactly start screening by friends by taking a whiff of their tushies, I think I’ll stick with my ‘dogs-are-love-and-if-you-don’t-like-them-you-suck’ theory.
I know, foolproof plan, right?! Feel free to use it if you want.
In the meantime, if you’re a fan of ‘man’s best friend’ – come on over, I already like you! If not, it’s best just to put your head down and keep walking.
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